My strange addiction: drunk texting my dad

Is closure total bullshit?

Small Egg with small fringe ft. Dad

When you really think about it, closure is a smoke screen.

You just have to see them one last time!

It’s imperative!

Just give me one more time.

But we all know, deep down, you want them to see you and whisk you away and forget everything that happened.

Can you tell I’m normally the asker? FML

The worst is when you keep trying, which results in a niggling pain in your chest each time you watch that show you loved.

If you got your closure, that’s great.

Good for you.

Obviously I’m talking from a the position of dumpee.

But I gave up on closure, live and let be, is that the line?

I can’t give that much power to someone else. Too much, no dice, fuck that.

I’ve recently learned I’m quite competitive and stubborn, Its kinda working for me.

So, here’s the thick of it.

In my pre self designed closure I would get drunk and texting my estranged Dads work number I found on Google.. 15 years after he left us.

I know, it’s like, why haven’t you thought of that?

Well, we have tried but we got to the point when calls rang through, no error message for texts?

It was like a confessional box at that point, he didn’t reply like the priests?

Part of me is afraid to look for him properly but I cannot handle that rejection again.

Lisa Taddeo explains it best;

“This is an outlandish notion only if you don’t know how a person can destroy you by the simple act of disappearing.”
Lisa Taddeo, Three Women

My story is, my Dad went on a work trip one Friday 15 years ago and never came back.

The finer details were; he fell in love, moved to Sydney or Italy I don’t fucking know, refused access from his house where some of my sisters lived, took our belongings, disposed of our childhood photos and video’s, gave away our pets, slandered our names to friends and family, and shattered our hearts.

It was a fucking experience for a 14-year-old girl.

Unfortunately it marked where my worth lied, it catapulted me to an adult, and set the tone for the next 10 years.

There were bits of communication after he ghosted, emails primarily

The slander and hate mail that questioned the 15 years before this moment

So, like any highly anxious and confused girl – woman, from the ages of 14 to 24 I partied really hard.

Thankfully I’m in my coastal grandma era now.

I would get wasted and spiral into anger, sorrow, whatever let me rage.

Another constant reminder is my dad and I look so alike, it’s weird.

When I was young my would tell me to use his license as a fake ID, and we have the exact same beauty spot on our face, we even measured itwith a ruler.

I couldn’t look in the mirror without seeing little bits of him, such bullshit I know.

Now this is where it gets pretty embarrassing, my Dad ran his own business since I was a kid, so theres old mobile numbers and email addresses floating around online.

During a turbulent 10 years of my life I typing angry badly type essays to the numbers, this evolved into drunk texting photos to his mobile and email.

Photos of my sisters and I all grown up at an event looking overjoyed (yeah I’m petty), plus photos of his grandchildren he will never meet.

I’d follow up with quotes like “look what you’re missing out on”.

You know catty things you’ve always wanted to yell at them.

I felt like a bad ass afterwards, but that passed.

The regret washed over soon, I wanted to spam his phone with apologies! How cringe of me!

I was fucking stuck.

I don’t get an error email when I send it, so maybe they go somewhere?

Maybe he saw it?

Maybe he’s too upset or guilt-ridden to reply?

Maybe he prints them out and sticks them on his mirror to say ‘Good Morning’ to?

Would he recognise me in the street?

Would he smile if he saw me?

Would I recognise him?

Have we passed each other and never realised?

You see my issue here, right? *laughs in overthinking*

After 11 years of internal torture, I took closure into my own hands.

This is what worked for me and I’m four years (somewhat) free from grief.

WARNING!

I don’t recommend following this method if you are still in contact with said person, or have the ability to see (stalk) them.

I wrote a story that described my history and showed me the best part of myself.

I hand wrote a letter to my Dad imagining a time I felt closest with him growing up, and in it I wrote a story.

About the fun we had for 14 years all the dumb stuff we got up to, what I learnt from him. What I hope he learnt from me. Who I’m gonna be.

I was a kid with a great dad for a while. I think I’m lucky but I had to take a lot to learn a lot. I see today it was the right thing to happen.

The chunks of childhood memories I didn’t disassociate were pretty fun for a chubby tomboy and Dad was there too. We were the fucking greatest.

I sat with my story for a while, then kept it somewhere safe. I decided to miss that man, not the cruel person he became. I had to turn the dark place into something else.

Designing my closure made me focus on the 13 years he was my best friend and from what I saw for the most part, was an incredible father who celebrated my sensitivity and humor.

I’ve settled with this story, though my TV-diet adolescence and Disney brainwashing paints a different story of holding out and waiting in a tower till I’m saved.

I don’t have time for that shit 💅

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